Daily voice messages from my little one saw me through the virus

Sunitha Rao

My doubts about contracting the virus began when my husband tested positive five days prior to my test. And I was right. As a health reporter who had written extensively on the pandemic for 4-5 months every single day from March, the first reaction that sunk into me was “oh.. it’s me now”. I was aware of the tests, treatment protocol etc. So Covid-19 did not come as a lifetime shocker for me. Nevertheless, the recovery journey is scary. 

I cannot forget the Sunday morning when I was patting the akki roti on a banana leaf when I felt that my fingers had lost energy and I just could not stand. My most pleasurable morning breakfast just halted as I started feeling extremely tired.  I had a video call with a team of doctors who was monitoring my husband’s health who was then in home isolation. The doctors who knew that I had tested negative four days ago suggested that I get admitted immediately and sent home an ambulance. By the time I got into the ambulance my energy levels had further dropped. 

As I was sitting in the ambulance, I was worried about my three-year-old daughter whose test result was pending. She had fever for a day but was better by the time I left for the hospital. 

I entered the hospital and was given a number. I told myself... “Even I am in the government’s Covid data now which I reported everyday for my newspaper.”

The clouds and tall trees that I could see from the only window of the hospital's 11th floor Covid-19 ward were my only companions for the first five days in the hospital . I avoided speaking on the phone and texting messages too, which is an integral part of a reporter's life. 

Sapped of energy, I was feeling low but thanked god that my daughter was safe and healthy at home.

Doctors told me that the virus had affected my gastro-intestinal tract the most and I had Covid-19 pneumonia too. And for the entire 12-day stay at the hospital, I began to mentally match all the symptoms I had written about several Covid-19 victims. The angels wearing PPEs (nurses) were like my mother. I had 100 questions in my mind but they patiently answered all of them.

All the books I was surrounded with meant nothing to me. I wanted to tell the writers, please write something that even those on deathbed would jump and read. I used to tell myself that it’s I only have tested positive but there was nothing positive around me or in the books I told myself as I kept drifting into sleep due to the extreme fatigue . 

I would speak to my daughter everyday for a few minutes and had minimal communication otherwise as my voice had also become feeble. 

And then came the news that my uncle and aunt who I had taken care of till I tested positive had succumbed to the virus while I was in the hospital. I did not reveal this to my mother-in-law (who had also tested positive) as she had spent close to five decades with the couple.

Suddenly everything was falling apart. I thought about my life prior to Covid-19 - cooking for the family, walking under the sun, playing with my child, meeting my mom once a week, a casual chat with my sister - all that had stopped. I told myself all these daily activities were blessings for me and and thought how I had taken everything for granted. 

And it was my mind which helped the body recover apart from the huge support from my family. I kept telling myself I am not going to lose this battle. I emerge and write front page stories and play with my daughter again.

Fighting Covid-19 is all about gaining resilience. Somewhere my pandemic reporting from March helped me train my daughter on all the major aspects of it. I began working from home.  She knew about masks, social distancing, isolating, the arrival of ambulances, treatment in hospitals, situations where family members end up living in isolation if hit by symptoms. I would tell her all that I was writing. So when my husband and I tested positive, she could join all the dots. She would wish me a speedy recovery thrice a day through her voice messages. And it gave me immense strength.

As a journalist, I realised how fragmented our health system was to face a pandemic. Timely tests for my uncle and aunt would have saved their lives. The centres I visited to get their testing done ruled out Covid-19 as they did not have breathlessness.

I am sure this is the experience of many families who are helpless due to our pathetic public health system. How many in this country can afford private healthcare and how many have insurance cover? 

And despite all the challenges in the system, the doctors, nurses, para-medical staff, swab collectors, ambulance drivers and just about every support staff work tirelessly simply because of their  passion to heal. Many did not see their families or hugged their children for months. This is heart wrenching.

Keep calm and do not take precautionary measure lightly. The more you stress yourself about the virus, the more fear kills your confidence to fight it. Post Covid-19 experience, every breath is precious for me. And I salute all my doctors and nurses who stood by me to give me back this moment of my life.

• Sunita Rao is a Bengaluru based journalist and mother to a 3-year-old girl